Generational Loss

Loss spans generations. I have - regretfully - caused those I love pain. In my defense, the pain caused by behaviors they exhibited was just as difficult for me to handle as the pain I caused them.

Those of us in the middle - Aging parents and children who are moving out of the nest - often get forgotten. Unfortunately my own mother did not get to experience this as my grandparents passed away long before I was even born. My sister isn't going to experience this as she has no children.

I am.

Without going into great detail, words were said. On all sides. Judgements made - some erroneous, some not so much.People aren't bad. People make mistakes - sometimes the mistakes are big and sometimes they are little. As human being we are *not* the sum of our mistakes, but the sum of our experiences.

I want to yell "that person you vilify has it in his heart to love you anyway, to meet with you, to care about you and to remind me that I may later regret doing [something]", but no one cares to listen. I want to yell "what about how I was treated?" So far, no one cares about that either. I want to scream from the top of my lungs "I matter! What I want matters!" - and right now there are only two people in my life that I feel care to hear that, and *only* one who I feel truly believes it. And I don't have to scream it at him - i just whisper it and he hears.

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago - for better or worse, I'm just not.

where is all this coming from

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you - and the other things and people that I've lost. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking "will today be the day that (fill in the blank) finally realizes that I'm not worth the effort".

Intellectually, I know that I *am* worth the effort someone gives, just like they are worth the effort I put into the relationship. I *know* that the people and creatures I miss gave me the best part of themselves during the time they were a part of my life and I should never for get them, I should remember the good times.

The holidays are always the hardest times though. I love you and miss you guys.

Exposure

I moved back recently - I mentioned that not too long ago. The Big Guy and The Sweet Girl are older now - Big Guy stayed where we had lived with his girlfriend and Sweet Girl came with us. She has a SO now also so it's just The Dad and myself most of the time.

I realized in the last few weeks how isolated I had allowed myself to become. Once you guys were taken from us, and then the house fire - It was so much to bear that I allowed myself to become ........ almost a hermit. My outlet was SCA - I could be someone similar, just not me. And now, I'm back in the office, this new office that is so open and lit up. I feel so exposed. It's harder to get back into the swing of things than I expected.

Reminders

I find myself reading about grief all too often. Your Nana went into the hospital for "exploratory surgery" - a way of saying that they needed to go inside her veins, arteries and heart to find out what was causing her pain. The procedure had a pretty high risk and I found myself prepping for grieving. And then something happened that slammed into me pretty hard - I won't say what because I don't want that person to "catch grief" because of what they did; Suffice it to say, I spent time in the bathroom crying and not for your Nana.

Today, I am reminded of 10 things:

1. It's okay to be sad
2. Hard moments come when you least expect them
3. My loved ones need to hear me talk about you - and maybe I need to hear me do it too
4. My grief dictates others grief - a fancy way of saying "if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy"
5. Other people see the way I grieve and sometimes model that
6. I have different needs than others who grieve for the same reasons
7. One day I need to feel safe to ask questions
8. It's hard, and will continue to be hard
9. I need to show myself some grace.
*I need to adjust my expectations so that I won't burn out trying to achieve an unrealistic standard.
10. It's okay to ask for help through the grief

All lessons I need to learn

"So what do you say in a moment like this?"

There is a song that Reba sings called "What do you say?" And like all her songs, it's a good one. I've had so many of those "So what do you say in a moment like this?" times. The loss that kinda comes out of nowhere to slam into you. The fear. And then your indecision. 

Today, I've seen a lot about grief. Things like

Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, or a lack of faith. It is the price of love. 

Or

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, or want to be the same

So what do you say in a moment like that?

When you are trying to see the time you will have rebuilt your life around the loss, when you can see that the price you paid for loving those kids was acceptable? 

I honestly do not know. Haven't gotten there yet. But I do "go on". I live. Sometimes that's all I do. Sometimes not. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes not. But I never forget the grief. And it turns out there is only one person who shares that grief with me. In the world of the young, it's easier to put it out of you mind. And that is as it should be. And in the wold of the those who have mental health issues (I don't mean they are unstable, just that they have issues dealing with things in a rational manner) it's *much* harder to see another persons pain.

That other person who shares my grief, and supports me through it - I cannot lose you because if I did I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh - my everything! You've made mistakes and so have I, and yet here we are - together.

The feeling of helplessness

This year, you guys will be 13. There are so many things I want to talk to you about - and I can't. Who knows - maybe it would be easier if I could - just talk to you. And maybe not.

Everything that you experienced - indeed all four of you - has left a lasting imprint. Dear Darling Eldest Daughter and I were talking about that this morning on my way into work - she rode in with me to visit a friend in town. She still cries about the experiences she had and the things she lost. It colors her life, and it likely will color your life also - both in the broad sweeping strokes and in the small details. It wasn't necessary that you go through that. None of it was. Exerting control over other people's lives simply for want of that control is the trademark of a bully and a sociopath - I'm even more sorry that you had to go back to that. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Helplessness is the main feeling that kills you. It also makes you more determined to never feel that way again. I mentioned to DDED this morning that as a result of these things, I've become a much harder person than I wanted to be. Not as free with my laughter, my good graces, my friendship............among other things. Not as free with my donation dollars, because I want to make sure I don't ever fund anything that helps other children feel the way you did when you were ripped away from Dear Darling Eldest Son and from us.

and the biggest feeling of helplessness? The lasting effects of the experience you won't attribute to the person who caused them because you've been told for the last 7 year or so that she "saved" you. She won't tell you she had a hand in it, that her ex-husband and her then-step-son had a hand in it. And the rest of the family that believed the worst of someone just because they saw it on a piece paper.

I'm sorry that that will happen, if it hasn't already. 

It's been a week or so, and I'm sorry for that. Cars in the shop, preparing to move, the aches and pains of arthritis and whatever else I have - it all adds up over time. Some days are good and some aren't. And through it all runs that thread of a grief that is so profound, not even my loving husband and daughter can combat it. Those are the days I want to crawl into bed and cry. I want to spend my grief in some way, but when it keeps coming back, it feels fruitless.

Moving is going to be hard for me - going back to a place where we were a happy family. But I've had time, I guess. It gets easier - in a way. I have fewer and fewer of those days of crippling grief and sorrow. And when I say crippling, I really mean it. To the point where work is almost impossible. My husband - ever the optimist - says that you just have to go on and in 20 years, will this matter? And he's probably right, although I know that he is hurting as bad as I am. 

There are still times when I turn around and say "She would have loved this!" at a farmers market on on a cool, sunny day. Or I think "He would have loved helping me!" when I go to do something in my hobby car. And that thread runs through my whole life. And there is only so much you can do about that thread. It's an integral part of your life, but it's just truly sorrowful.

I'll work through it I suppose. And I know that even though the person who took you away from us is raising you (and make no mistake, she did set those wheels in motion) that you will grow to be good, kind people.

Kittens

We lost a kitten. It's hard to try and nurse something through an illness only for their little body not to be able to handle it. I cried, mourned - all the things that go along with that. I would have loved for you to see the kittens before they got sick. Such a cutie that one was. The others are fine now (I think). For once, I would have liked to *not* loose a kitten. Seems like we have every batch over the last three years. Suffice to say, I need to find homes for two kittens and an adult mother cat.

Want a kitten?

Grief stays with you...............

It is said that grief never ends, but it changes - much like the suitcase full of rocks versus he suitcase full f feathers. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign on weakness, nor is it a lack of faith.

It is the price of love.

I grieve for the loss of our lives - not death, but the life I wanted versus the life I now have Not that the life I have is bad, nor am I terribly unhappy. But it's not the life I saw for myself, the life "we" were supposed to have. There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This only works when there is some sort of closure, though - something to look on and see that it is well and truly gone. Instead, I hear things "They'll contact you when they get older" or my personal favorite "They were never yours to begin with".

If the level of grief one experiences is directly proportional to the love you felt, you guys were a part of "us", of love. We love you now and forever.

One day I'll move past the depression stage.

A suitcase full of rocks, or a suitcase full of feathers

This I heard today:

"Everyone says you'll get through this. How do you get through this? Look at it like this: Grief is like a suitcase at the end of your bed. Every day, you must carry it with you, without fail. Some days, it feels like it is filled with rocks. Some days, it feels like it's light as a feather. That's how you get through this - when there are more days of feathers than rocks"

Grief can feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest - like a panic attack. I misplaced the scrapbook that had all the pictures I had left of you guys one day. I ran through the house like a maniac trying to find it. Normally, I would say "it'll turn up" and go do something else, but for some reason on that day at that time, I *had* to find that scrapbook. I finally did find it, but the elephant didn't climb off my chest for a very long time.

I felt something similar when my house burnt to the ground in May of 2012. The day you were taken from me, that was surreal - it took a few days to sink in. That particular elephant still sits on my chest and I still carry the "grief rocks" or "grief feathers"every day. I do love you. I always have and I always will

A friend's loss reminds me of...............

Today, someone I know mentioned that she had a loss in her "chosen" family, a person close to her not related by blood. I am so very sorry for her loss. Those family members that we choose are the ones that leave the largest impressions in our heart and the largest shadow in their leaving. 

Thinking about things as I have been recently, and her loss, made me realize that my loss is no less significant. We chose you guys. Maybe the timing was right. You poured whiteout all over that couch for a reason - and that reason was because the universe chose you to be a part of "us". I have a shadow over my life that grows with each year as you grow, that changes as you change. One that I never forget, and never want to. 

I have insomnia and have had for a very long time - since long before you guys became a part of "us". I have trouble going to sleep, staying asleep and I wake up earlier than I should. Turns out that a lot of that is pain-related, but I digress. I still remember times when I napped, waking up to see your part of "us" watching kitty videos online at the computer. I remember green candy apple flavored popcorn, and a fashion show of clothes made from recycled items. I remember a bucket of legos and other building toys that I purchased at a yard sale spilled out on the table, with you content to sort through it. I'm glad I have those memories. It makes the shadows over my heart soften a little. 

I see you in the bluebonnets by the road I drove y in the springtime, in the parks I pass in my travls, in the kittens Cava the cat had a few months ago. I will always keep you close to my heart, and always in my minds eye

It's time to express the memories

It's been six years so I think I can finally sit down and write about what it feels like to "lose" a child. They aren't lost in the traditional sense, just lost to me.

I was thinking about how much I miss the bluebonnets. I've been away from our home state for a long while now and prepping to move back (the job, doncha know) so I am remembering the things I miss. Barbacoa, Texas wines, the carpets of bluebonnets and red clover in the springtime, waterparks, roads that are straight and somewhat flat, the Dr Pepper clock and the Pegasus, seeing Reunion Tower - it's weird to think about those things. Which led me to thinking about the pictures we took of you guys sitting in the bluebonnets - I miss seeing that. The scrapbook I had with your birthdays, bluebonnets pics, grade reports and pictures - that went up in a house fire three years ago. All I have now are the few pictures I had scanned and the memories. And right now that's the one that comes up most. That one and the one of Noh-Face sitting in the tortilla warmer.