It gets longer between updates, so I guess that means I've come to terms with the loss - but I haven't.

A friend of mine had a services dog for many years. And as dogs do, he grew older and became infirm and it was finally time. My friend is still grieving that loss, some months later. That's as it should be. I miss The Big Guy and I miss my kitty lost in the fire. I miss the family we once had. And I miss it daily.

I'm smart enough to know that time is sometimes the best salve for wounds. People aren't the same now as they once were. But I still miss those people as they were. What's more, I miss not being able to see them grow and be. I miss the joyful nature that The Big Guy and Sweet Girl once had. It shows itself sometimes, but it's not like it once was. And I am not the same person I once was either. I wonder if they miss that me-that-was?

Generational Loss

Loss spans generations. I have - regretfully - caused those I love pain. In my defense, the pain caused by behaviors they exhibited was just as difficult for me to handle as the pain I caused them.

Those of us in the middle - Aging parents and children who are moving out of the nest - often get forgotten. Unfortunately my own mother did not get to experience this as my grandparents passed away long before I was even born. My sister isn't going to experience this as she has no children.

I am.

Without going into great detail, words were said. On all sides. Judgements made - some erroneous, some not so much.People aren't bad. People make mistakes - sometimes the mistakes are big and sometimes they are little. As human being we are *not* the sum of our mistakes, but the sum of our experiences.

I want to yell "that person you vilify has it in his heart to love you anyway, to meet with you, to care about you and to remind me that I may later regret doing [something]", but no one cares to listen. I want to yell "what about how I was treated?" So far, no one cares about that either. I want to scream from the top of my lungs "I matter! What I want matters!" - and right now there are only two people in my life that I feel care to hear that, and *only* one who I feel truly believes it. And I don't have to scream it at him - i just whisper it and he hears.

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago - for better or worse, I'm just not.

where is all this coming from

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you - and the other things and people that I've lost. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking "will today be the day that (fill in the blank) finally realizes that I'm not worth the effort".

Intellectually, I know that I *am* worth the effort someone gives, just like they are worth the effort I put into the relationship. I *know* that the people and creatures I miss gave me the best part of themselves during the time they were a part of my life and I should never for get them, I should remember the good times.

The holidays are always the hardest times though. I love you and miss you guys.

Exposure

I moved back recently - I mentioned that not too long ago. The Big Guy and The Sweet Girl are older now - Big Guy stayed where we had lived with his girlfriend and Sweet Girl came with us. She has a SO now also so it's just The Dad and myself most of the time.

I realized in the last few weeks how isolated I had allowed myself to become. Once you guys were taken from us, and then the house fire - It was so much to bear that I allowed myself to become ........ almost a hermit. My outlet was SCA - I could be someone similar, just not me. And now, I'm back in the office, this new office that is so open and lit up. I feel so exposed. It's harder to get back into the swing of things than I expected.

Reminders

I find myself reading about grief all too often. Your Nana went into the hospital for "exploratory surgery" - a way of saying that they needed to go inside her veins, arteries and heart to find out what was causing her pain. The procedure had a pretty high risk and I found myself prepping for grieving. And then something happened that slammed into me pretty hard - I won't say what because I don't want that person to "catch grief" because of what they did; Suffice it to say, I spent time in the bathroom crying and not for your Nana.

Today, I am reminded of 10 things:

1. It's okay to be sad
2. Hard moments come when you least expect them
3. My loved ones need to hear me talk about you - and maybe I need to hear me do it too
4. My grief dictates others grief - a fancy way of saying "if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy"
5. Other people see the way I grieve and sometimes model that
6. I have different needs than others who grieve for the same reasons
7. One day I need to feel safe to ask questions
8. It's hard, and will continue to be hard
9. I need to show myself some grace.
*I need to adjust my expectations so that I won't burn out trying to achieve an unrealistic standard.
10. It's okay to ask for help through the grief

All lessons I need to learn

"So what do you say in a moment like this?"

There is a song that Reba sings called "What do you say?" And like all her songs, it's a good one. I've had so many of those "So what do you say in a moment like this?" times. The loss that kinda comes out of nowhere to slam into you. The fear. And then your indecision. 

Today, I've seen a lot about grief. Things like

Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, or a lack of faith. It is the price of love. 

Or

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, or want to be the same

So what do you say in a moment like that?

When you are trying to see the time you will have rebuilt your life around the loss, when you can see that the price you paid for loving those kids was acceptable? 

I honestly do not know. Haven't gotten there yet. But I do "go on". I live. Sometimes that's all I do. Sometimes not. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes not. But I never forget the grief. And it turns out there is only one person who shares that grief with me. In the world of the young, it's easier to put it out of you mind. And that is as it should be. And in the wold of the those who have mental health issues (I don't mean they are unstable, just that they have issues dealing with things in a rational manner) it's *much* harder to see another persons pain.

That other person who shares my grief, and supports me through it - I cannot lose you because if I did I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh - my everything! You've made mistakes and so have I, and yet here we are - together.

The feeling of helplessness

This year, you guys will be 13. There are so many things I want to talk to you about - and I can't. Who knows - maybe it would be easier if I could - just talk to you. And maybe not.

Everything that you experienced - indeed all four of you - has left a lasting imprint. Dear Darling Eldest Daughter and I were talking about that this morning on my way into work - she rode in with me to visit a friend in town. She still cries about the experiences she had and the things she lost. It colors her life, and it likely will color your life also - both in the broad sweeping strokes and in the small details. It wasn't necessary that you go through that. None of it was. Exerting control over other people's lives simply for want of that control is the trademark of a bully and a sociopath - I'm even more sorry that you had to go back to that. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Helplessness is the main feeling that kills you. It also makes you more determined to never feel that way again. I mentioned to DDED this morning that as a result of these things, I've become a much harder person than I wanted to be. Not as free with my laughter, my good graces, my friendship............among other things. Not as free with my donation dollars, because I want to make sure I don't ever fund anything that helps other children feel the way you did when you were ripped away from Dear Darling Eldest Son and from us.

and the biggest feeling of helplessness? The lasting effects of the experience you won't attribute to the person who caused them because you've been told for the last 7 year or so that she "saved" you. She won't tell you she had a hand in it, that her ex-husband and her then-step-son had a hand in it. And the rest of the family that believed the worst of someone just because they saw it on a piece paper.

I'm sorry that that will happen, if it hasn't already.