Generational Loss

Loss spans generations. I have - regretfully - caused those I love pain. In my defense, the pain caused by behaviors they exhibited was just as difficult for me to handle as the pain I caused them.

Those of us in the middle - Aging parents and children who are moving out of the nest - often get forgotten. Unfortunately my own mother did not get to experience this as my grandparents passed away long before I was even born. My sister isn't going to experience this as she has no children.

I am.

Without going into great detail, words were said. On all sides. Judgements made - some erroneous, some not so much.People aren't bad. People make mistakes - sometimes the mistakes are big and sometimes they are little. As human being we are *not* the sum of our mistakes, but the sum of our experiences.

I want to yell "that person you vilify has it in his heart to love you anyway, to meet with you, to care about you and to remind me that I may later regret doing [something]", but no one cares to listen. I want to yell "what about how I was treated?" So far, no one cares about that either. I want to scream from the top of my lungs "I matter! What I want matters!" - and right now there are only two people in my life that I feel care to hear that, and *only* one who I feel truly believes it. And I don't have to scream it at him - i just whisper it and he hears.

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago - for better or worse, I'm just not.

where is all this coming from

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you - and the other things and people that I've lost. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking "will today be the day that (fill in the blank) finally realizes that I'm not worth the effort".

Intellectually, I know that I *am* worth the effort someone gives, just like they are worth the effort I put into the relationship. I *know* that the people and creatures I miss gave me the best part of themselves during the time they were a part of my life and I should never for get them, I should remember the good times.

The holidays are always the hardest times though. I love you and miss you guys.

Exposure

I moved back recently - I mentioned that not too long ago. The Big Guy and The Sweet Girl are older now - Big Guy stayed where we had lived with his girlfriend and Sweet Girl came with us. She has a SO now also so it's just The Dad and myself most of the time.

I realized in the last few weeks how isolated I had allowed myself to become. Once you guys were taken from us, and then the house fire - It was so much to bear that I allowed myself to become ........ almost a hermit. My outlet was SCA - I could be someone similar, just not me. And now, I'm back in the office, this new office that is so open and lit up. I feel so exposed. It's harder to get back into the swing of things than I expected.