It's been a week or so, and I'm sorry for that. Cars in the shop, preparing to move, the aches and pains of arthritis and whatever else I have - it all adds up over time. Some days are good and some aren't. And through it all runs that thread of a grief that is so profound, not even my loving husband and daughter can combat it. Those are the days I want to crawl into bed and cry. I want to spend my grief in some way, but when it keeps coming back, it feels fruitless.

Moving is going to be hard for me - going back to a place where we were a happy family. But I've had time, I guess. It gets easier - in a way. I have fewer and fewer of those days of crippling grief and sorrow. And when I say crippling, I really mean it. To the point where work is almost impossible. My husband - ever the optimist - says that you just have to go on and in 20 years, will this matter? And he's probably right, although I know that he is hurting as bad as I am. 

There are still times when I turn around and say "She would have loved this!" at a farmers market on on a cool, sunny day. Or I think "He would have loved helping me!" when I go to do something in my hobby car. And that thread runs through my whole life. And there is only so much you can do about that thread. It's an integral part of your life, but it's just truly sorrowful.

I'll work through it I suppose. And I know that even though the person who took you away from us is raising you (and make no mistake, she did set those wheels in motion) that you will grow to be good, kind people.

Kittens

We lost a kitten. It's hard to try and nurse something through an illness only for their little body not to be able to handle it. I cried, mourned - all the things that go along with that. I would have loved for you to see the kittens before they got sick. Such a cutie that one was. The others are fine now (I think). For once, I would have liked to *not* loose a kitten. Seems like we have every batch over the last three years. Suffice to say, I need to find homes for two kittens and an adult mother cat.

Want a kitten?

Grief stays with you...............

It is said that grief never ends, but it changes - much like the suitcase full of rocks versus he suitcase full f feathers. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign on weakness, nor is it a lack of faith.

It is the price of love.

I grieve for the loss of our lives - not death, but the life I wanted versus the life I now have Not that the life I have is bad, nor am I terribly unhappy. But it's not the life I saw for myself, the life "we" were supposed to have. There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This only works when there is some sort of closure, though - something to look on and see that it is well and truly gone. Instead, I hear things "They'll contact you when they get older" or my personal favorite "They were never yours to begin with".

If the level of grief one experiences is directly proportional to the love you felt, you guys were a part of "us", of love. We love you now and forever.

One day I'll move past the depression stage.

A suitcase full of rocks, or a suitcase full of feathers

This I heard today:

"Everyone says you'll get through this. How do you get through this? Look at it like this: Grief is like a suitcase at the end of your bed. Every day, you must carry it with you, without fail. Some days, it feels like it is filled with rocks. Some days, it feels like it's light as a feather. That's how you get through this - when there are more days of feathers than rocks"

Grief can feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest - like a panic attack. I misplaced the scrapbook that had all the pictures I had left of you guys one day. I ran through the house like a maniac trying to find it. Normally, I would say "it'll turn up" and go do something else, but for some reason on that day at that time, I *had* to find that scrapbook. I finally did find it, but the elephant didn't climb off my chest for a very long time.

I felt something similar when my house burnt to the ground in May of 2012. The day you were taken from me, that was surreal - it took a few days to sink in. That particular elephant still sits on my chest and I still carry the "grief rocks" or "grief feathers"every day. I do love you. I always have and I always will

A friend's loss reminds me of...............

Today, someone I know mentioned that she had a loss in her "chosen" family, a person close to her not related by blood. I am so very sorry for her loss. Those family members that we choose are the ones that leave the largest impressions in our heart and the largest shadow in their leaving. 

Thinking about things as I have been recently, and her loss, made me realize that my loss is no less significant. We chose you guys. Maybe the timing was right. You poured whiteout all over that couch for a reason - and that reason was because the universe chose you to be a part of "us". I have a shadow over my life that grows with each year as you grow, that changes as you change. One that I never forget, and never want to. 

I have insomnia and have had for a very long time - since long before you guys became a part of "us". I have trouble going to sleep, staying asleep and I wake up earlier than I should. Turns out that a lot of that is pain-related, but I digress. I still remember times when I napped, waking up to see your part of "us" watching kitty videos online at the computer. I remember green candy apple flavored popcorn, and a fashion show of clothes made from recycled items. I remember a bucket of legos and other building toys that I purchased at a yard sale spilled out on the table, with you content to sort through it. I'm glad I have those memories. It makes the shadows over my heart soften a little. 

I see you in the bluebonnets by the road I drove y in the springtime, in the parks I pass in my travls, in the kittens Cava the cat had a few months ago. I will always keep you close to my heart, and always in my minds eye

It's time to express the memories

It's been six years so I think I can finally sit down and write about what it feels like to "lose" a child. They aren't lost in the traditional sense, just lost to me.

I was thinking about how much I miss the bluebonnets. I've been away from our home state for a long while now and prepping to move back (the job, doncha know) so I am remembering the things I miss. Barbacoa, Texas wines, the carpets of bluebonnets and red clover in the springtime, waterparks, roads that are straight and somewhat flat, the Dr Pepper clock and the Pegasus, seeing Reunion Tower - it's weird to think about those things. Which led me to thinking about the pictures we took of you guys sitting in the bluebonnets - I miss seeing that. The scrapbook I had with your birthdays, bluebonnets pics, grade reports and pictures - that went up in a house fire three years ago. All I have now are the few pictures I had scanned and the memories. And right now that's the one that comes up most. That one and the one of Noh-Face sitting in the tortilla warmer.