Reminders

I find myself reading about grief all too often. Your Nana went into the hospital for "exploratory surgery" - a way of saying that they needed to go inside her veins, arteries and heart to find out what was causing her pain. The procedure had a pretty high risk and I found myself prepping for grieving. And then something happened that slammed into me pretty hard - I won't say what because I don't want that person to "catch grief" because of what they did; Suffice it to say, I spent time in the bathroom crying and not for your Nana.

Today, I am reminded of 10 things:

1. It's okay to be sad
2. Hard moments come when you least expect them
3. My loved ones need to hear me talk about you - and maybe I need to hear me do it too
4. My grief dictates others grief - a fancy way of saying "if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy"
5. Other people see the way I grieve and sometimes model that
6. I have different needs than others who grieve for the same reasons
7. One day I need to feel safe to ask questions
8. It's hard, and will continue to be hard
9. I need to show myself some grace.
*I need to adjust my expectations so that I won't burn out trying to achieve an unrealistic standard.
10. It's okay to ask for help through the grief

All lessons I need to learn

"So what do you say in a moment like this?"

There is a song that Reba sings called "What do you say?" And like all her songs, it's a good one. I've had so many of those "So what do you say in a moment like this?" times. The loss that kinda comes out of nowhere to slam into you. The fear. And then your indecision. 

Today, I've seen a lot about grief. Things like

Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, or a lack of faith. It is the price of love. 

Or

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, or want to be the same

So what do you say in a moment like that?

When you are trying to see the time you will have rebuilt your life around the loss, when you can see that the price you paid for loving those kids was acceptable? 

I honestly do not know. Haven't gotten there yet. But I do "go on". I live. Sometimes that's all I do. Sometimes not. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes not. But I never forget the grief. And it turns out there is only one person who shares that grief with me. In the world of the young, it's easier to put it out of you mind. And that is as it should be. And in the wold of the those who have mental health issues (I don't mean they are unstable, just that they have issues dealing with things in a rational manner) it's *much* harder to see another persons pain.

That other person who shares my grief, and supports me through it - I cannot lose you because if I did I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh - my everything! You've made mistakes and so have I, and yet here we are - together.