This year, you guys will be 13. There are so many things I want to talk to you about - and I can't. Who knows - maybe it would be easier if I could - just talk to you. And maybe not.
Everything that you experienced - indeed all four of you - has left a lasting imprint. Dear Darling Eldest Daughter and I were talking about that this morning on my way into work - she rode in with me to visit a friend in town. She still cries about the experiences she had and the things she lost. It colors her life, and it likely will color your life also - both in the broad sweeping strokes and in the small details. It wasn't necessary that you go through that. None of it was. Exerting control over other people's lives simply for want of that control is the trademark of a bully and a sociopath - I'm even more sorry that you had to go back to that. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Helplessness is the main feeling that kills you. It also makes you more determined to never feel that way again. I mentioned to DDED this morning that as a result of these things, I've become a much harder person than I wanted to be. Not as free with my laughter, my good graces, my friendship............among other things. Not as free with my donation dollars, because I want to make sure I don't ever fund anything that helps other children feel the way you did when you were ripped away from Dear Darling Eldest Son and from us.
and the biggest feeling of helplessness? The lasting effects of the experience you won't attribute to the person who caused them because you've been told for the last 7 year or so that she "saved" you. She won't tell you she had a hand in it, that her ex-husband and her then-step-son had a hand in it. And the rest of the family that believed the worst of someone just because they saw it on a piece paper.
I'm sorry that that will happen, if it hasn't already.
No comments:
Post a Comment